Let’s get real, sex, in general, is an incredibly vulnerable experience. Now subtract the substance that has given you the illusion and confidence of a Victoria’s Secret supermodel strutting into the bedroom and that can be downright terrifying.
Whether it’s with a hot date, someone you have been seeing regularly, or your husband or wife, having sex sober can be an amazing experience. Sex is a big thing, it’s awesome! It can cure headaches and migraines, be a great work out and can result in bringing life into this world. Yet no one talks about sex and sobriety. All of a sudden sober people don’t have sex anymore? What gives?
I had never had sex sober. I wasn’t always wasted, but I had never, ever experienced sex without being at least two or more drinks deep. I was always afraid to have sober sex. It felt like it would be the equivalent of having sex with the lights on and being under a microscope at the same damn time. It just seemed too invasive, and I would be too “seen.” Without the lubrication (see what I did there) of alcohol I would be in my head. I would be focused on how I looked, what I was and wasn’t doing, and if I was doing it right. I felt I couldn’t enjoy myself if I even attempted sex sober.
These tips take the guesswork out of sober sex and will help you put your mind and body at ease, so you can enjoy yourself.
1. All the feels
I used to think that alcohol enhanced the pleasure of sex. The thing is when you drink to numb out certain emotions like anxiety, fear, or nervousness, you actually end up numbing all the good feelings too. You are dulling down the pleasure and all the good feels. Both men and women have lower performance rates (aka climaxes) when they are under the influence. Once you have sex sober, it is like someone has taken the filter off. You feel it all. I compare it to getting a massage, and they start with a sheet over your back and are adjusting and manipulating your body through the sheet. Then, once the sheet comes off, and it’s skin on skin, it’s go time! Being sober allows you to feel things in a more intense way, emotionally, physically, spiritually and this includes sex.
2. Safety first
In order to fully enjoy yourself, let go and be free, you have to feel a sense of safety and security with your partner. Instead of acknowledging the red flags of mistrust being waved by my past partners, I found safety and security at the bottom of a champagne bottle and thought that was all I needed and carried on. Being sober, you are more aware of what makes you feel safe and secure and what doesn’t. This is hard to ignore, even when you want to, but it’s not worth it. When you feel the spark of safety, it’s like the flight attendant clearing you for take-off!
3. No Regrets
Because you are so aware, gone are the days of sleeping with people you regret. You know the type of person you would rather cut your arm off in order to slip out of bed without waking them and being face to face with lasts night’s moment of weakness. Yes, that type of regret. It is easier to say no to situations you don’t feel comfortable in. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, which make people more likely to engage in sex with someone they will regret. When I was drinking, alcohol made me a “go with the flow” type girl, in the worst possible way. I couldn’t and wouldn’t say no. I couldn’t say no to more drinks, drugs and I couldn’t say no to men. This is shocking because I am gay, very gay. Yet when I drank, anything was up for grabs.
4. Your body is a wonderland
I never appreciated or honored my body. There was no connection or self-exploration with my body whatsoever. I never thought of myself as sexy or a sexual person. However, now that I am booze-free, I am much more in touch with my body across all areas of my life. I do yoga which has helped me bridge that gap and created a lot of self-love and kindness towards my body. Especially in a hot yoga studio and you are watching your body move and hold positions in the mirrors on the wall. It’s really sexy to watch yourself move and sweat. I eat food that is good for me and makes me feel good about myself. How I treat my body translates to sex. Now, sex is a spiritual experience. I feel connected to it and actually, understand what I want and have no problem asking for it.
It is totally normal to feel nervous. It is completely logical to feel scared and anxious. Sex is vulnerable. Sex is raw, real, and in your face. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing. The good thing is everyone feels these feelings, you are not the only one. Call out how you are feeling either out loud to your partner or to yourself in the bathroom. Better out than in, I always say. Once you vocalize how you are feeling, set those thoughts and emotions free and enjoy yourself.
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